The names of these friends do not matter.What matters is the helplessness that we feel all the time.But remember,freedom of action also accompanies this sense of helpnessness. Be brave. Live it up.
Kulla (concerned over the URI attack)- what should a common man say or do when a terrorist comes face-to-face and confronts him ?Should I ,for instance, claim that I am a Peaceful ?Maybe appeal to them as a co-religionist to spare me.
Punch (all guns blazing )-You weakling. Just to save your life, shall u give up Hinduism and become a True Believer ?
Try to snatch his gun instead,and make short work of him.
Root (broodsome)-Kulla ,when an armed jihadi confronts you,you are dead.So one ought to be brave,maybe.There is no way you can talk your way out of danger.These guys don’t understand reason.
Punch (weapons drawn)-what a bunch of lightweights I have for friends….
Root (seeing sudden light )-numbness or reaction are the only two options.You cant talk our way out from the clutches of a disillusioned fucker who dreams of whoories in heaven.
Kulla (embarrassed after being lampooned )-Punch ,I shall surely kill him once I divert his attention . But we need to know how to do that.WHAT ARE THE EXACT WORDS WE SHOULD SAY ?There should be a fucking strategy in place.Some program,some algorithm that I can implement when jihadis strike.
Punch (ready with his missile)-I would say I saw some Khalifa in my dreams last night who told me that you shall come to convert me today. Then I shall Shout Hu-Hu-Babar on top of my voice. Maybe this shall divert them.And then I shall jump over their weapon.I suppose humour is the best way to confound them.
Kulla(annoyed at not being taken seriously)-u guys have no contingency plan.Assholes. You are deadmeat if jihadis strike.Sitting ducks,number count.Bodies,corpses.
LAMB (pouncing at the opportunity to enter the discussion)-And bloody hell,do you suppose those serious assholes, humourless bastards who are here on a fidayeen mission shall get your fucking humour.
Punch (roused fully now) -there is only one plan. Act lost for five seconds.Act as if u have no idea what’s going on .And then suddenly spring upon his weapon and grab .Don’t be indecisive.Just jump on him in the first 15 seconds after confrontation.If u prevaricate,u wont be able to act after those initial moments.
Kulla(guffawing)-AP,you are definitely going to perish first in any attack.Here,two minutes of silence for you.Already.
Punch(fuming)-I will kill.I was born to kill them.There is no doubt in my mind.
Just accept that you’re dead when a jihadist confronts u.But,dont see yourself as a victim,rather as a combatant.Which they believe you are .Act like a warrior.
I dont believe in begging in such a scenario.
I believe in fighting, and killing,and embracing a warrior’s death.
Kulla (on backfoot now)-its important to kill.But for that you need to survive.
Punch (frowns)-duffer do you have anything substantial to add.Or are you here just for pretence sake.
OWAISI (cometh the hour)-when in doubt,attack.That is what I suggest.
Kulla (more confused than ever)-that’s a good point.But what do you mean? Doubt ? Explain with a scenario.
ROOT (sarcastic now)-fantastic point.Big round of applause for Owaisi.That is very specific and useful.It sounds as specific as the tweets of ministers on the Uri revenge.
When in doubt,fart .This seems more specific to me.Precision-guided farts.
SWAPPY (all smiles turning into sniggers)-he he he he.
Kulla (epiphanous)-Swap,u dont need to be a martial arts’ expert or a bodybuilder to survive during such critical moments.You just need a plan of action.
Root (realizing the truth)-I will try to be as invisible as possible.Like a mouse.Which I am anyways.
If confronted at point-blank range ,I would feign unconsciousness, with my hands hanging loose by my side.
But head erect.Erect my head shall be.It shall not bow before a jihadi. If I have to, I shall die with pride intact.
Kulla (convinced)-Right.And if confronted, just play along.
SWAP (all smiles and nothing to say)-he he.Salutes to you ,guys.
Root( feeling brave)-i would try to say Om Namah Shivay before he shoots me down.
Kulla (at his pigheaded best ) -but to play along with a terrorist we need strong, well drafted sentences which give us crucial moments to distract him.
Root (in a trance now)-and try to remember Kashi Vishwanath .Har Har Mahadev !
Kulla (resigned to fate)-I agree with Root.I will do the same.Remember my parents,wife ,kid for one last time.Say farewell.Say my prayers.
Root (fuming)-Would you need a mobile to call them as well.Idiot,u wont remember anything earthly.U can only think of the sublime in these situations.
KH (crestfallen)-Nothing remains upon death.New life starts.Whatever,maybe.Huh,bloody jihadis.
Root–Jai Shiv Shankar. Jai Shiv Shambhu.
Kulla – Let Peace be upon us.
Root (cheered up)-but I have a feeling my last vision before such a death would be of the tweet from the PMO on our tragedy.
Thumping his chest,resolving to avenge my death.Khoon ka badla khoon….
OWAISI (not to be left behind)-if someone points a gun at me, or charges at me with a hockey stick,I will attack,there is no option.Why would I talk ?
Root (emboldened with philosophical insight )-Idiot,if someone attacks you with a hockey stick,he is some drunk Jaat or Gujjar in a parking lot.The discussion here is related to a fidayeen attack.
Kulla (gaining in confidence)-We should finalize our survival tactics,skills and statements.We should keep a kit ready, which contains a fake circumcised dick that we can stick on the real one ,the book,a pepper spray maybe.These might come handy.
SWAP(ever smiling)-I will touch his feet.Cry.That always helps.
Kulla -I plan to learn some verses by heart.In Dhaka,they let go some of their brothers(but not sisters).
Punch – I would say I shall convert if you let me live.After this statement I shall attack.
LAMB (ever cynical)-haha,Kulla has a gang of Paki friends in his city. Now he should learn some verses to save his ass.
ARKO (hawkishly)-I will dodge the knife and run for my life.If its guns,I will try to grab one .I will kill all terrorists, and also anyone who happens to be there who I dont like.That would be a good opportunity to clear some filth.
MADBOY (divinity pouring out of all his pores)-Kulla ,learn how to recite their prayers. Always carry the book upon your person.I do that already .Memorize atleast five verses. And most importantly, get circumcised.I have already done so.I m ready .I can walk like a Peaceful ,talk like a Peaceful,fake like a Peaceful.They will take me as one of their own.
I have a fake Adhar card issued in the name of Dawood. Dawood Ibrahim.
I wont let religion overpower me in any case.One gottao be cunning.Why bother about Shiva? He can’t protect you at that instant.He definitely can’t.
‘Goli aur bomb se pehle gand fat ta hai’.I will recite God’s name from my arse,maybe.But not from my mouth.
Even Gandhi never said ‘Hey Ram’ as he lay dying , after being shot.All he could utter was ‘haramzada’,but could not finish the whole word.
I dont mind conversion. Better to be a Peaceful chewtiya(cunt-born) than a Hindu chewtiya .Jaan to bachega.
Also the kind of practitioner I am ,neither is Hinduism gonna regret its loss,nor are Peacefuls gonna relish their gain.
Hindu ho ya Peaceful ,chewtiya chewtyapa hi karega.
What has to happen,shall happen.
Fuck you , jihadis.
I shall shag myself while I am hiding ,and you are looking for me everywhere.
(no one had anything more to say after this brilliant monologue from MADBOY.HE is the last word in such matters).